c'mon, let's keep it together
by professor lazyass
Summary: and right when she thinks it's better, it always gets worse. / / tori&jade and jade&beck \ \ two-shot / / WARNINGS: Extreme angst.


**A/N: **So ever since I read Green Apples by Silverpup (God, I can't stop talking about it! It's so funny! SO READ IT. NOW!), I think I might like Tori and Jade. Not sure though, so that's why I'm writing this.

Good God, I keep on writing extremely dark stuff. And whenever I try to write something light-hearted, I always screw up… I wonder what that says about me…

/ /

**Everyone is too good for her. **

**They tell her that she's fine, and she isn't doing anything wrong.**

**She knows their lying; deep down under that mess we call love.**

/ /

On the one day you're _supposed _to wear black, she wears white. People that she kind-of knows gape at her when she walks into the funeral home silently. She sits in the back, and is last in line when they all go up to see him. She doesn't cry.

She spots Vega, wearing a black dress and purple cardigan, her hair in a loose bun; she's constantly dabbing at her eyes while the rest of the gang—especially Cat—sits there, looking at the wall, the flower pot beside his coffin—anywhere but at him. They're all uncomfortable, unsure of what to do. Cat's picking at her nails, Andre's leg _won't stop shaking,_ and Robbie's sitting in his chair, frozen. Jade snorts, and goes back to her seat, silent as ever.

/ /

She glares at the people who glance at her and ignore the people that want to talk. So she's surprised when Tori has the guts to confront her. She gives her a timid smile and a small wave; Jade looks right through her.

"Hey Jade…"

Jade doesn't reply. Tori sits down next to her, she places her tan hand on the other girl's pale one. Jade sucks in a sharp breath through her nose and snatches her hand back.

She mutters, "What do you want, Vega?"

Tori rolls around the bland mint from the dish in her mouth and gulps, nearly choking on the candy. She clears her throat and tries her best to smile.

"I just wanted to see if you're okay."

"I'm fine. Now _go._"

Tori doesn't; she stays by Jade's side throughout the whole ceremony and burial. She comments on Jade's dress and pushes a lock of streaked hair behind her ear. Jade tries to fight back a broken smile.

She won't admit she's touched.

/ /

School starts in a week, and Cat says that they all should go to the beach, making the most of the most fucked up summer ever. Jade sighs in _her own_ doorway, fidgeting. (It's okay to be sad in front of Cat.)

"I… I don't know Cat."

Cat bites her lip and looks at Jade concernedly, "Jade, c'mon… it'll be good for you."

Jade doesn't scream or yell or seethe.

She whispers.

"He's _dead_, Cat…"

Cat gives out a squeak and nods.

"I know."

She quickly hugs Jade, and then kisses her on the cheek in some weird, friendly, Cat-sort-of-way.

She hops down the stairs and wipes at her eyes, then gets in her car and drives off. Jade nods, a little too late, and says breathlessly:

"Me too."

/ /

It's the day before school, and Jade can't sleep in her bed. It's all _him._ The rough, stitched, white, letter's on her black pillow that spell her name (he made it in the sixth grade), or how her whole comforter smells like his cologne, or maybe it's one of his infamous plaid flannels, sticking out of her dresser in the second drawer. Whatever it is, it's driving her insane.

She tears off her comforter, pulls the flannel and pillow, and plops down on the carpet, her trusty sissors in hand. She cuts and tears it all up. The flannel, the pillow; sobs wrack her body as she cries, finally letting the dam break. She holds her breath but then fights for air. It all smells so much like him, she _can't stand it._

In an hour the deed is done. The pillow is now just black fabric and white strings, the flannel is strips of yellow plaid and buttons. She takes a strip of the shirt and ties it in a circle, then slips it over her hand and on to her wrist. She then gathers up all of the ruined gifts and hugs it tightly to her chest, now regretting her decision. She glares at the grey carpet and bites her cheek, standing up and heading towards the window. She tears it open and throws everything out, the wind carrying it all. She looks at the fabric, memoirs of him, dancing through the air with a city for an audience. She looks down at her bracelet and smiles.

She closes the window and heads back to her bed, shuffling into the covers. She shivers and takes in a deep breath of the smell.

She sleeps peacefully, dreaming of plaid flannel shirts and Hollywood and bracelets and _him._

She knows he'll never her leave her completely. She's not all that bothered.

/ /

She wakes up in the morning, the light pouring in the window, her alarm clock blearing. The sheets are sticky and she forgets it all. Jade reaches over for a non-existent hand to hold, simultaneously moving for an alarm clock that's on the other side of the bed. She frowns when they're both not there and opens her eyes. The ceiling is brown, not white. She bites her cheek and screams, punching the bed.

She throws the alarm clock on the floor and pulls on whatever she can find; a black hoodie and white skinny jeans, her famous combat boots are on her feet and she pulls her hair into a messy, low, bun. Jade grabs her back pack, slings it over her shoulder, and walks down the stairs.

There's a note on the island, probably from her parents. She doesn't even bother.

/ /

She walks out of her home, surprised to see a white Jeep instead of Cat's red buggie. She glares at the driver.

Tori smiles at her gestures for her to come in. Jade scowls.

"Morning, Jade."

"Where's Cat?"

"She's at school."

Jade bites her lip, "Why are you here?"

"To pick you up…?"

"Why?"

Tori gulps and looks down at the steering wheel, her face growing red; she digs her nails into her palm and mutters through clenched teeth:

"Just get in the car, Jade."

/ /

Nobody even dares to talk to her at school. Jade keeps her head down, constantly picking at her nails, a bad (nervous) habit.

She doesn't look at his transparent locker and tries not to long for his arm slung around her shoulder during Improv. She tries to be numb.

Numb, numb, numb.

She thinks its working.

She knows she's wrong.

/ /

She's sitting in the Asphalt Café, with Cat by her side, eating her famous, homemade brownies; Andre is playing with his fruit, hesitantly looking up at the pair, before looking back down to his pineapple. Robbie is Rex-less, smiling and giggling with his phone out, texting someone. And Tori is on the other side of Jade, looking at her again and again concernedly just like Cat.

Jade rolls her tongue across her teeth and groans. Internally, of course. She won't even dare to break the tension. The bell rings and everyone silently gets up and goes their separate ways. Cat stays with Jade. Tori stays with Cat. Jade glares at the floor, silent, her head down like usual.

She doesn't even realize that it's a routine.

/ /

Jade isn't eating.

The fact is quickly spread around throughout the school. Other girls notice during gym, in the locker room. The gang quickly realizes that she doesn't even bother buying lunch anymore. Cat worriedly tries to make her eat, bringing in her mocha cupcakes—Jade's favorite. She _politely _turns them down.

Jade looks up from her plaid bracelet and murmurs, "No thank you."

Cat's mouth, along with everyone else's, hangs open. Jade scans the group quickly, before tucking a stray hair behind her ear and turning back to her book. Cat sets the plate down, not-so-gently. The clank of plastic against the table seems to ring throughout the whole world; louder than the chattering students, or the honking horns.

Cat gulps, "W-what?"

Jade looks up from her book. She clenches her teeth.

"I said no thank you."

Everyone smiles; glad to have the old Jade back. But then she gives a tight smile and resumes reading.

She's just too tired to be herself.

/ /

Little known fact about Jade West:

She throws up every night.

/ /

Her parents are always too far away to notice, and she pushes Cat, her only friend, away. She doesn't starve herself; she's not that weak or self-conscious to do that. She's just so damn depressed.

She doesn't cry she doesn't cut herself; God knows she won't talk to _anyone_.

She's always so hungry, but she never wants to eat. Jade gets intense cramps, with twenty to forty minute intervals. And right when she thinks it's better, it always gets worse.

/ /

Little known fact about Jade West:

She will find love again, just give it some time.

But it'll end in tragedy.

She thinks that's all she deserves.

/ /

Jade skips school.

She's either in too much pain, or she's too depressed. Whatever she is she knows it's ruining her life. She stays in the building, though—usually finding bare hallways, or empty closets to find refuge in. She likes the auditorium, though. Hiding behind the curtains, in the dark, where she's unknown. That's probably her favorite part. It's cold back there, though. And soon she finds herself even sicker. Jade toughs it out, though, like every West should. Just like her parents told her.

One day, after vomiting rather badly, she feebly sings a song, softly. Oh so softly; when she hears the doors open. Her eyes widen and she scuttles to the back of the stage, so her back slams against the stone. She starts hyperventilating, and wonders when she got so scared and vulnerable.

"Jade?"

She runs a hand through her hair. It's Tori.

"Jade? I saw you come in here… are you okay?"

Jade hears Tori pull the curtain back, and light shines through as Jade grimaces. Tori looks around, before spotting her.

"Jade!"

She rushes toward her, pulling her into her chest. Jade stays there, leaning against her body limply.

Jade is surprised when she finds that she doesn't want to push Vega away, but instead hold her even closer. So she does. Tori starts crying, and Jade wants to scream and ask why she cares so damn much, but all that comes out is a weak whisper.

"Why do you care?"

She feels Tori gulp, and the girl answers honestly.

"I don't know."

/ /

(It's a thing called love, dear. And it's so fucked up.)

/ /

"You need to eat."

Tori pushes the ham sandwich closer to Jade. They're in the auditorium, behind the curtain. Ever since Tori found Jade this became some kind of routine, Jade would hang out in her all day, and Tori would sneak in, during lunch, and study hall.

Jade seethes and glares, "I'm not hungry."

Tori smiles; with every scowl or harsh word, she knows that Jade is slowly getting better. But it's still not fast enough. Tori frowns and picks up the sandwich. She hands it to Jade.

"Seriously. _Eat._"

Jade frowns and pushes the sandwich away.

"_No._"

Tori bites her lip, "I'll be your best friend…"

Jade wants to smile and say she already is; but instead she scowls _again_ and scoots away.

"For the last time, Vega—no!"

Tori giggles, her face illuminated by the scented candles she always brings. Another stomach pain rages through Jade's abdomen, and she clutches her stomach.

"Ah!"

Her face is twisted in pain, the cramp longer than the ones previous, and Tori gasps, leaning over Jade, her hand hesitantly skirting around Jade's back.

"Jade! Jade! Are you okay? Are you, like, having a baby, or something? Damn it, I should've gone to CPR!"

The pain passes, and Jade is breathless, her forehead coated nicely with a thin layer of sweat. She leans against the wall and sighs, her eyes closed.

"You're so _stupid_, Tori! I'm not in fucking labor!" Jade gulps, "I'm just… hungry… M' fine…"

Tori takes Jade in and leans her against her shoulder. Jade doesn't protest.

"Jade…babe, you need help…"

Jade's head shoots up, and despite being extremely dizzy she finds a way to glare at the other girl.

"Did you just say _babe?_"

Tori takes in a deep breath quickly.

"Uh…um, nope! Psh—what are _you_ _talking _about?"

Tori starts making weird hand gestures, and Jade whines, her helpless persona back in a flash, and leans against Tori.

She whispers, already half-asleep, "I don't care, Tori…"

"W-what..?"

Jade stuffs her head into Tori's just, curling up against the other girl.

"Just shut up…"

/ /

"_Beck?" _

_Jade looks around; she's standing alone and it's all white. She has no idea where she is._

"_Beck…?" _

_She feels something brush her right hand and she quickly turns. Beck is smiling, wearing the plaid, yellow flannel the she ruined. He leans in and kisses her forehead, she gasps; his lips are extremely cold. _

_But then he turns around and starts running. Jade groans and follows him. _

"_Beck!" _

_He laughs._

"_Beck, would you cut it out!" _

_He laughs again and Jade sprints faster. She reaches her hand out, but he's slowly disappearing, and then she's falling and screaming, and she's scared out of her mind—_

"BECK!"

She shoots up, and people crowd around her. She gulps and twists, trying to get out of everyone's grasps and intense gaze.

"Who is Beck?"

"Do you feel hungry?"

"Have you ever been suicidal?"

Jade starts hyperventilating, and she instinctively fingers the flannel bracelet. She gasps; it's not there.

Jade starts looking around, and her breathing speeds up.

"Where's the bracelet?"

"What?"

She turns to a young woman, with auburn colored hair. She grabs her blazer.

"Where's the goddamn bracelet? It was on my fucking left wrist! Where is it?"

The woman slowly backs away, and Jade can hear the ruffling of fabric (it's so familiar), before a man hands her the bracelet. She glares and snatches it away from him. She plops down back on the bed and pulls the cover over her, trying to block out the world.

/ /

Jade doesn't like this place. She's in a mental institution. Apparently, she went a little "crazy." She snorts whenever she hears that word.

Cat visits her the most, bringing in cupcakes and cookies and brownies, along with some DVDs of horror movies. They watch Paranormal Activity on the small TV in her tiny room, and even though Cat is behind her, flinching at every sound, Jade gives her an A for effort.

Word's such as "manic-depressive," "eating disorder," or "lost cause" swim around her daily. She hates the doctors and therapists. There's nothing wrong with her. She still doesn't know how she even ended up here.

And then Tori visits her. She walks in and hesitantly waves. Jade pulls the wool blanket tighter around her and looks down at her bare feet. Her hair falls around her face like a curtain, she wiggles her toes and notices the streaks have faded. Tori slowly sits down on the bed and gulps. She bites her lip twirls a strand of hair with her finger.

"I bet you wanna know what happened…"

Jade gives a short humorless laugh, "No shit."

Tori nods and starts fumbling with her fingers.

"You fell asleep. And then you—you stopped breathing… and I freaked out so I called 911, but then Cat figured out and she went crazy so I had to calm her down and then the ambulance came and—"

Jade decides Tori needs to be quiet more often, so she shuts her up with her mouth. Their lips make a soft noise when they pull apart. Jade leans against Tori's forehead, smirking. Tori beams—"So are you back?"

"Almost."

And Jade dives in again, and somehow her shirt is off and then Tori's and let's not forget about the pants.

/ /

Jade wants to punish herself for being happy. She feels as if she's betraying Beck every time she holds Tori's hand, or Tori kisses her softly. She tells this to her… friend, girlfriend, she doesn't know. Tori sighs and plays with Jade's fingers. She gulps and says reluctantly, "He's dead, Jade."

"Yeah. I know."

And she does. God, does she know. She smirks and looks down at her wrist. She plays with bracelet.

_Hi, Beck._

/ /

Everyone turns to her. She glares and crosses her arms.

"I'm Jade. My boyfriend died and I threw up every night. The end," she mutters. Jade rolls her tongue across her teeth. She's at one of those group meetings; where everyone sits in a circle and talk about their problems. She survey's the circle. There's a transsexual girl named Rebecca/Ralphie. His father called him a freak, and his supportive mother died shortly after. His father wouldn't let him but anything to stop his feminine parts from growing, there was not any surgery. He constantly called him a failure, and soon enough Ralph just stopped fighting all together. He finally commited suicide, but his best friend, another transsexual (this time it was a boy to girl. Her name was Kyle, aka Kylie), found him. She called 911, and here Ralphie is. All fucked up and screwed. He scowled at Jade, and she moved on.

The next person over is a gay boy named Michael who was ridiculed and had an eating disorder, then Michelle, who's father beat her senseless and she eventually ran away and lived on the streets for five years. She's fourteen, and her head is down. She's picking at her nails; her body seems fragile, and stick-thin. She grins and starts picking at the various scars, smiling a little wider every time one of them bleeds. Jade frowns, knowing she's crazy.

And that's all of them. Jade thought that she would be with you, some other manic depressives whose love of their lives died. But she shrugs, not really caring. She tells her story, and then the others do. She cringes at one, frowns at the other. She gulps at Michelle's, who isn't crazy. She's just paranoid. Oh so utterly paranoid. Jade feels for her, really. She does.

The session ends and Jade stands up, walking off, not really noticing any real progress. But as time goes on, as days and weeks and even a few months pass, she realizes that she _was_ sick. She smiles genuinely for the first time in a long while, and Tori is at her side, and her other friends are on the other. Ralphie is holding Kylie's hand. Micheal smiles and then winks at Jade, now healthy. And Michelle is not paranoid anymore. She's not hiding behind her scars, or her midnight black hair. She's laughing and smiling, and Jade feels like she's made an impact on someone. She knows that they sure as hell did.

She smiles, and looks down at the pale and tan contrast of her and Tori's hands. She feels a pang in her chest. It's all so familiar. But then she looks up, and walks out of the heavy double doors. She knows Beck will never leave her, and she doesn't want him to. But now she has Tori, and she knows things are better.

And maybe they'll be perfect. Someday.

/ /

**A/N: **Ugh. I really don't like the ending. It didn't fit in with the rest of the story, and I don't plan on getting a lot of good feedback, because I know this sucks. But I'm posting it anyways.

I tested the waters with this. I'm kind of starting to like Tori and Jade… but I don't know yet. Ugh. This fic sucks soooo much. :C

Don't worry, I'm writing a second part. It's going to be the aftermath, and the tragedy of Tori and Jade's relationship. Good god, my fics _never_ have happy endings…

**Review?~ **

(Even if it sucks, I want to know how to improve, and what I did wrong! D: )

-KJ


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